I shall be back
We all know that yours truly is no stranger to apologies, so it will come as no surprise to the general public to receive this one.
I apologise for not writing since government ministers were appointed. At the risk of sounding like our egregious former Prime Minister, “I have been getting on with the job.” I made my maiden speech some time ago, and I am not just trying to get into the habit of finding my office, which is surprisingly difficult.
I look forward to sharing, but not leaking, information jolly soon.
JRM MP
No, Minister?
Though I obviously never touch lefty rags like the Guardian, I was on this occasion alerted to a rather useful wall-chart that explains who is who in the government.
Now, no matter how many times I look, I cannot for the life of me find my name ANYWHERE! If you do see it, make sure you tell me, I would hate to turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Again I say it is just baffling that I was not offered a position. Why on earth would they not select me as a shining example of the Tories? It must be all those silly liberals getting in the way of government already.
In fact, that can be the first job for all the young, ambitious and enthusiastic Tories who have been emailing in their Curriculum Vitae in the dozens, in the hopes of making my tea for the next 5 years. The position is, of course, filled, by my nanny, who has been making tea for about 40 years. However, if anybody can spend the time explaining how the photocopier works, nay, just doing my photocopying, it would be most useful. Young Tories will have enough money not to require a salary, which will make my expenses look much lower.
YES YOU DID!
Just as I was becoming impatient, I heard the news that David Cameron is now the Prime Minister!
I was rather concerned for a while that the rest of the Tory Party was not pulling its weight, considering my resounding electoral victory.
In any case, the Tories are back in power! It is lamentable that we were not popular enough to win the race ourselves and secure a majority, but we are in now and that is all that matters.
A big “Thank You” is owed to the Liberal Democrats, without whom none of this would have been possible. You voted Clegg, but you got Cameron, which is what you wanted all along.
Chancellor George Osborne.
Foreign Secretary William Hague.
You did that.
I shall be waiting by the phone intently tomorrow. I wonder which ministry I will get!
FINALLY!
At long long last, the Tories are to be returned to power!
Moreover, after 5 attempts, I am finally the Member of Parliament for somewhere or other.
So, readers, look forward to the continued adventures of Jacob Rees-Mogg … MP!
The Final Countdown
I apologise profusely for neglecting the blogg over the past week or so. I had meant to get writing, but other events just took me by surprise!
We had the leader’s debate, we had Gordon Brown’s “Bigoted Woman” gaffe. I have never been caught by a stray microphone myself, but I have been involved in many similar slip-ups despite being fully aware of audio and video devices. You all remember the time when I called everyone who did not go to Oxbridge a potted plant who would be in government to fill up quotas.
It has been a very long campaign, almost three years, really. I say to you all though, that we’ve done it. In just a few hours time I will finally realise my project to become an Member of Parliament after trying so hard, so many times, in so many places.
So, in the final moments of the campaign, before you cast your vote:
Look around this site and think carefully.
Take a look at the newspaper articles written about me. [HERE]
Take a look at my media appearances on television and radio. [HERE]
Take a look at all the things I have said over the years. [HERE]
Take a look at my newspaper profiles from 2000 and 2010 [HERE and HERE]
Then before you cast your vote tomorrow, think carefully:
Do you really want Jacob Rees-Mogg as your representative?
Finally, I also wish to thank all the people who emailed me over the campaign, with their questions. I am sorry to say I only just read them; some of them were encouraging, some of them gave me “constructive criticism”. I will not be able to reply due to campaigning (I am doing it all myself after all) but I would advise them to scroll down to the bottom of this website…
Bringing in the big hitters
I am quite delighted to announce that Ken Clarke, the Shadow Business Secretary, visited me in the constituency today!
You can see the link on the North East Somerset Conservative site here.
Then, as proof if proof were needed. The picture:
I apologise for the fact that the picture is so small. I assure you it is decidedly NOT because, as many Lefties would be all too quick to point out, because we were afraid of getting caught out using my office helpers as crowd fillers.
No doubt it has something to do with technical issues and Conservatives not mixing.
Problems with posters
I have no idea why Tory posters are so susceptible to being vandalised or mocked, but it seems now that even my own posters are no longer safe.
Posters have cropped up around North East Somerset over my own signposts. Imagine, me, of all people, being spoofed. It is utterly unforgivable.
Click on the image to see it in full view. It rudely says “Don’t get Mogged on May 6th”.
I tell you now, cease and desist!
The One Man Army
I have been unable to get back into writing the blogg until now, because at last, over the past few days I was permitted to venture out of the house and into the constituency.
Even better has been the fact that over the weekend I participated in some media debates, on the Politics Show West on Sunday, and then just afterwards a special segment on Radio Bristol. Any fans of yours truly will have seen my performance and been quite impressed. In fact, I finally got a call from Tory head Office, and they were so pleased with the way that I had remembered all my lines and kept to what I was told to say, I was even allowed to talk to the BBC, albeit under lock-and-key. Go here to read it, Mr Barltrop kindly links back to this very blogg.
After all the fuss in the press, like the profile of me in the Times, and the numerous articles asking for my whereabouts, we were obliged to give this national interview to Channel 4.
You can see the clip below. There is a bit of guff about animal welfare or some such nonsense, so I advise you to hop along to my bit, which comes at 8:40:
You will probably have noticed that the difference between my segment, and those of the ghastly lefties is the style of campaigning. I am a one man army, so to speak, while the Labour candidate is off talking to constituents and the Lib Dem candidate is haunting the streets, I am slowly and quietly popping my leaflet through each letter box all by myself.
Admittedly, it is partly because my campaign does not have any money or donations, as I explained here and then again here and then partly because we do not have any volunteers. I shall go to the trouble of point out that it is not my fault. It is not as if all the Somerset Tories, (and do not forget that we control the local Council) have given up on me, or that they do not wish to be seen with me. It is just that most of the Tories here are somewhat too old and crusty to be sent wandering around the hills by themselves.
Far better to leave it all to me!
PS. I do actually know when Pheasant Season is. It’s from October to February; anybody knows that! I was just feigning ignorance for the sake of “not being a toff.”
The First Debate!
This title has a double meaning.
When it comes to the Leaders’ Debate, I must admit I did not watch it in its entirety.
Instead, I played Monopoly with the family. Normally I would have preferred to polish up the chess set, because at least I win that game (however narrowly) but when it comes to Monopoly I’m just absolutely hopeless. My opponents just get bored that I feel the need to explain to them how realistic or unrealistic the rules or their decisions are.
Still, whatever the outcome of the debates, I am sure Mr Cameron won. It would have been impossible for him to lose. I saw the first few minutes where they talked about immigration and was more then delighted that Mr Cameron suggested a cap, and then pull up the drawbridge.
However, next to the dubious ex-Prime Minister and the glorious Mr Cameron, I cannot help but notice another bizarre figure standing next to them. I just do not understand why ITV would let their work experience boy onto the camera during such an important broadcast. I suppose it must be something to do with Gordon Brown’s silly apprenticeship scheme or part of some nonsense “fairness” agenda.
On the subject of debates though, I’ll be on the BBC’s Politics show very soon! I hope you tune in to hear my eloquent articulations.
Cameron takes a look at the Book of Mogg
A most pleasant afternoon to you.
I have just heard of this volcano malarky occuring in Iceland (I shall not comment upon this, as my section in the gaffe-department of the library is presumably rather full). However, I will express my concern that it might hinder the Conservative campaign. Half the shadow cabinet have been jetting all over the country, so I worry that the wings of David Cameron’s private jet have been severely clipped.
Speaking of David Cameron, which I’m not really supposed to do because he gets a frightfully upset, I have also been informed that he has declined to present himself for an interview with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight.
Regular readers will be more than informed of my incredibly popular and well-received interview on the same television program, but Mr Cameron has declined to take such an excellent opportunity.
Indeed, rumours have been circulating that Mr Cameron has behaved in a rather awkward fashion when it comes to the leaders’ debates.
On one hand, I do not see what it is that he is so worried about. He is an excellent media performer, just like yours truly. The press pays attention to him, just like yours truly. Expectations of him are high, just like yours truly. It is entirely evident even a potted plant watching that Mr Cameron will run rings around his feeble opponents. He is the ultimate salesman, whether you know what he intends to sell you or not!
Anyway, I’m getting off message. What I mean to say is that it is precisely because he is so good at this sort of PR event, he no longer needs it.
In any case, he has nothing to gain from such an appearance. His reputation is so good that if either of the other two come out of it still breathing, the media will classify the event as his failure; totally unfair as I am certain you agree. On the other hand, Mr Cameron is on course for a majority Tory government.
Mr Cameron needs neither Paxman nor these debates. All he need do is be patient, be quiet, and wait for his majority.
Somewhat like the situation of yours truly. Perhaps Mr Cameron and I have more in common than our schooling and politics!
Tags: interviews, Jeremy Paxman, Leaders Debates, media, Mr Cameron