Bringing in the big hitters

I am quite delighted to announce that Ken Clarke, the Shadow Business Secretary, visited me in the constituency today!

You can see the link on the North East Somerset Conservative site here.

Then, as proof if proof were needed. The picture:

I apologise for the fact that the picture is so small. I assure you it is decidedly NOT because, as many Lefties would be all too quick to point out, because we were afraid of getting caught out using my office helpers as crowd fillers.

No doubt it has something to do with technical issues and Conservatives not mixing.

Problems with posters

I have no idea why Tory posters are so susceptible to being vandalised or mocked, but it seems now that even my own posters are no longer safe.

Posters have cropped up around North East Somerset over my own signposts. Imagine, me, of all people, being spoofed. It is utterly unforgivable.

Click on the image to see it in full view. It rudely says “Don’t get Mogged on May 6th”.

I tell you now, cease and desist!

The One Man Army

I have been unable to get back into writing the blogg until now, because at last, over the past few days I was permitted to venture out of the house and into the constituency.

Even better has been the fact that over the weekend I participated in some media debates, on the Politics Show West on Sunday, and then just afterwards a special segment on Radio Bristol. Any fans of yours truly will have seen my performance and been quite impressed. In fact, I finally got a call from Tory head Office, and they were so pleased with the way that I had remembered all my lines and kept to what I was told to say, I was even allowed to talk to the BBC, albeit under lock-and-key.  Go here to read it, Mr Barltrop kindly links back to this very blogg.

After all the fuss in the press, like the profile of me in the Times, and the numerous articles asking for my whereabouts, we were obliged to give this national interview to Channel 4.

You can see the clip below. There is a bit of guff about animal welfare or some such nonsense, so I advise you to hop along to my bit, which comes at 8:40:

You will probably have noticed that the difference between my segment, and those of the ghastly lefties is the style of campaigning. I am a one man army, so to speak, while the Labour candidate is off talking to constituents and the Lib Dem candidate is haunting the streets, I am slowly and quietly popping my leaflet through each letter box all by myself.

Admittedly, it is partly because my campaign does not have any money or donations, as I explained here and then again here and then partly because we do not have any volunteers. I shall go to the trouble of point out that it is not my fault. It is not as if all the Somerset Tories, (and do not forget that we control the local Council) have given up on me, or that they do not wish to be seen with me. It is just that most of the Tories here are somewhat too old and crusty to be sent wandering around the hills by themselves.

Far better to leave it all to me!

PS. I do actually know when Pheasant Season is. It’s from October to February; anybody knows that! I was just feigning ignorance for the sake of “not being a toff.”

The First Debate!

This title has a double meaning.

When it comes to the Leaders’ Debate, I must admit I did not watch it in its entirety.

Instead, I played Monopoly with the family. Normally I would have preferred to polish up the chess set, because at least I win that game (however narrowly) but when it comes to Monopoly I’m just absolutely hopeless. My opponents just get bored that I feel the need to explain to them how realistic or unrealistic the rules or their decisions are.

Still, whatever the outcome of the debates, I am sure Mr Cameron won. It would have been impossible for him to lose. I saw the first few minutes where they talked about immigration and was more then delighted that Mr Cameron suggested a cap, and then pull up the drawbridge.

However, next to the dubious ex-Prime Minister and the glorious Mr Cameron, I cannot help but notice another bizarre figure standing next to them. I just do not understand why ITV would let their work experience boy onto the camera during such an important broadcast. I suppose it must be something to do with Gordon Brown’s silly apprenticeship scheme or part of some nonsense “fairness” agenda.

On the subject of debates though, I’ll be on the BBC’s Politics show very soon! I hope you tune in to hear my eloquent articulations.

Cameron takes a look at the Book of Mogg

A most pleasant afternoon to you.

I have just heard of this volcano malarky occuring in Iceland (I shall not comment upon this, as my section in the gaffe-department of the library is presumably rather full). However, I will express my concern that it might hinder the Conservative campaign. Half the shadow cabinet have been jetting all over the country, so I worry that the wings of David Cameron’s private jet have been severely clipped.

Speaking of David Cameron, which I’m not really supposed to do because he gets a frightfully upset, I have also been informed that he has declined to present himself for an interview with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight.

Regular readers will be more than informed of my incredibly popular and well-received interview on the same television program, but Mr Cameron has declined to take such an excellent opportunity.

Indeed, rumours have been circulating that Mr Cameron has behaved in a rather awkward fashion when it comes to the leaders’ debates.

On one hand, I do not see what it is that he is so worried about. He is an excellent media performer, just like yours truly. The press pays attention to him, just like yours truly. Expectations of him are high, just like yours truly. It is entirely evident even a potted plant watching that Mr Cameron will run rings around his feeble opponents. He is the ultimate salesman, whether you know what he intends to sell you or not!

Anyway, I’m getting off message. What I mean to say is that it is precisely because he is so good at this sort of PR event, he no longer needs it.

In any case, he has nothing to gain from such an appearance. His reputation is so good that if either of the other two come out of it still breathing, the media will classify the event as his failure; totally unfair as I am certain you agree.  On the other hand, Mr Cameron is on course for a majority Tory government.

Mr Cameron needs neither Paxman nor these debates. All he need do is be patient, be quiet, and wait for his majority.

Somewhat like the situation of yours truly. Perhaps Mr Cameron and I have more in common than our schooling and politics!

Tags: interviews, Jeremy Paxman, Leaders Debates, media, Mr Cameron

A plague on shoddy journalism!

Hello all. I still have not yet been allowed out in public but I have been leafing through the Conservative Manifesto (or should I just say conservative with a small ‘c’?).

When it came through my door I actually believed it was a genuine invitation to join the government of Britain. Well done to Mr Cameron, I thought, he’s already got his cabinet ready for our inevitable return to power, and I am firmly on the bandwagon!

Anyway, I would just like to calm a reader’s fears; he sent a link to The Man Who Does The Typing , who alerted me to this sentence:

Perhaps this saying was echoing in the minds of Dominic Johnson, Edward Robertson and former Conservative politician Jacob Rees-Mogg when they left Asian and emerging markets specialist Lloyd George Management – named after founder Robert Lloyd George, great-grandson of the former prime minister – in April 2007 to set up their own business.

I know what you are thinking, “Oh no! Former Conservative politician?! Say it is not so, Jacob, say it is not so!” (That is you saying that). Well, readers, fear not, I am sure it is just a mistake.

Far from being a former Conservative politician, I am more of a former, future and thoroughly present Conservative politician!

Do not forget, this is my third General Election as a candidate, I was in Fife (1997), then in Shropshire (2001), now I am in North East Somerset. Third time is indeed the charm!

So, I am sure the article was just alluding to my several previous candidacies and selection battles. I haven’t been giving the old heave-ho yet!

Another donation plea

What ho all. Day seven in my undisclosed bunker location and I am beginning to feel a little jaded.

Oh, and I hate to have to do this, but I need to ask you for another donation!

Believe me when I say I do not like asking for money, for it is (obviously) something to which I am wholly unaccustomed. Unlike saying sorry, I am a dab-hand at that considering however many voters I have upset.  Not to mention the instances too numerous to name whereupon I have been hauled over the coals in Cameron’s Central Conservative Party (CCCP) Headquarters, though fortunately it is not too far from where I live in London. Although I must admit they tend to lock the doors as they see my Bently pass by.

In any case, back to my donation request. Last week I sent out a plea and explained the problem we have with a lack of people willing and able to help the campaign, although since I have already won (if I stay out of the way long enough) I am not entirely flapped.

However, we have had to move the goalposts somewhat.

Last week I spoke of a target of £12,000. You shall see that from today we have had to be rather more modest in our ambitions. The target is now a meagre £500. I am happy to report thus that we are already 30% there! Granted that was the £150 I put in myself, and understood that it was already there, on my My Conservatives home page.

Oh jolly good, hold on a moment. The Man Who Does My Typing says I can insert a gadgetmobob here. Let us see:

Did it work? I do hope so!

Moving on to other business: That dratted press is chasing me again! From the Sunday Times no less, my chum Murdoch runs half the British Media and still poor Jacob gets no break. No rest for the wicked as they say; wicked means good nowadays, does it not?

You may possibly remember this photograph from The Telegraph, I thought it was appropriate to show me “out and about” with my office manager.

Back to the Times, yesterday they went with a large story on yours truly, entitled “Maybe he’s canvassing in the King of Spain’s Private Loo.”

Naturally this is an incredibly erroneous statement. First, I am NOT permitted to do ANY canvassing at all. Second, much as I enjoy the company of royalty, I am wholly uninterested in the affairs of Spain and Europe in general. The further away and more isolated Britain is, the better!

Finally, Camilla Long, I am very rich, I am very posh, but I object to being called the barmy candidate! That is of course the title to apply to Nick Clegg. (Though you are spot on to say that Keynsham is a “a typically poky drag of pound shops and pet stores”. I hate it there, not least the people.

I should have been Doctor Who

I am coming to you from an undisclosed location.

I have been locked up in a Conservative bunker on my own all day. Chris Greyling has also been removed from the campaign but he has his own safe-house somewhere else. Mr Cameron thought it unwise to put us together in case a sneaky journalist manages to discover my whereabouts.

So, rather bored, I discovered the television show Doctor Who, and I must say I was rather impressed! Take a look at the hero, does he perhaps remind you of somebody?

That’s right! Clearly the New Doctor is based on the New MP for North East Somerset!

I think it is a welcome change from the known lefty David Tennant. I was particularly pleased that this episode featured the Doctor bringing down a Police State. Very much like the one that has been created under 13 years of Labour! With another 5 years of Brown, I am certain we shall see the introduction of those Smiley Beasties.

Next week, I notice another good old Tory, Winston Churchill, will be making an appearance. I cannot wait, thank goodness I do not have to do any campaigning.

Tags: Chris Greyling, Doctor Who

Get off my lawn!

The press have been camped out on my doorstep in Somerset trying to catche a glimpse of yours truly. (Joke’s on them!)

One reporter has had to be thrown off my land for trespassing and trying to get an interview, from the Sunday Times I think. It is rather annoying because my father, Lord William Rees-Mogg used to be the editor. I would expect them to show more sympathy.

I am absolutely fed up of these ghastly journalists who think they have a god-given right to be spoken to. I am not available for comment! I have already explained here that this is the only way I shall communicate, partly because Conservative Office have explicitly forbidden me from making or doing anything.

As if this were not enough, the internet has now learned of my curfew, notably Sally Bercow, the Speaker’s Wife (and all around lefty traitor) and journalist Camilla Long has been creating a fuss as well.

So, I shall say this one more time: All I am supposed to do is sit quietly, VERY quietly, and wait to be elected!

Tags: general election, photo ops

They think it’s all over… it is now!

What better way to start off the campaign than with a sporting catchphrase! Granted it comes from 1966, when ghastly lefty Harold Wilson won a massive majority. I assure you the outcome will be rather different this time!

I was rather busy yesterday in the City, but my office staff managed to crank out a short press release to act as a starting whistle. I will not attempt to tread on their toes, so instead I shall just tantalise you a smidgen: (I got in trouble for jumping the gun and breaking the embargo last time! It’s funny how my blogg is more effective at getting out the news than the official North-East Somerset Tory site)

“Jacob Rees – Mogg was selected as candidate for the newly formed constituency of North East Somerset, (formerly Wansdyke), in 2007 thus fulfilling his ambition to represent the Somerset parliamentary seat in which his family has lived for generations.”

This sets the tone for my campaign very well, in that there will not be much of a campaign. I have written here previously about the lack of activists, my media-ban (which I hope to break, though Conservative Head Office have been on the phones already!) and other problems we face, but none of this matters any more as this election is already in the bag!

David Cameron kicked off the campaign (more football phrases to appeal to local types) in London. I signalled my availability, but a party official told me that we were to be gathering in Kensington Gardens. Imagine my surprise as I arrived and had nobody to canvass but the ducks, who were so hostile they must have been Labour fowls. The official must have been mistaken, they would never have sent me to the wrong place deliberately.

Cameron is hiring a private plane to jet him around the country during the campaign. I have no idea why he needs another one, but it would have been better to clone him as he is apparently the Tory Party’s only asset.

See you in May!

Tags: david cameron, general election