Another donation plea

What ho all. Day seven in my undisclosed bunker location and I am beginning to feel a little jaded.

Oh, and I hate to have to do this, but I need to ask you for another donation!

Believe me when I say I do not like asking for money, for it is (obviously) something to which I am wholly unaccustomed. Unlike saying sorry, I am a dab-hand at that considering however many voters I have upset.  Not to mention the instances too numerous to name whereupon I have been hauled over the coals in Cameron’s Central Conservative Party (CCCP) Headquarters, though fortunately it is not too far from where I live in London. Although I must admit they tend to lock the doors as they see my Bently pass by.

In any case, back to my donation request. Last week I sent out a plea and explained the problem we have with a lack of people willing and able to help the campaign, although since I have already won (if I stay out of the way long enough) I am not entirely flapped.

However, we have had to move the goalposts somewhat.

Last week I spoke of a target of £12,000. You shall see that from today we have had to be rather more modest in our ambitions. The target is now a meagre £500. I am happy to report thus that we are already 30% there! Granted that was the £150 I put in myself, and understood that it was already there, on my My Conservatives home page.

Oh jolly good, hold on a moment. The Man Who Does My Typing says I can insert a gadgetmobob here. Let us see:

Did it work? I do hope so!

Moving on to other business: That dratted press is chasing me again! From the Sunday Times no less, my chum Murdoch runs half the British Media and still poor Jacob gets no break. No rest for the wicked as they say; wicked means good nowadays, does it not?

You may possibly remember this photograph from The Telegraph, I thought it was appropriate to show me “out and about” with my office manager.

Back to the Times, yesterday they went with a large story on yours truly, entitled “Maybe he’s canvassing in the King of Spain’s Private Loo.”

Naturally this is an incredibly erroneous statement. First, I am NOT permitted to do ANY canvassing at all. Second, much as I enjoy the company of royalty, I am wholly uninterested in the affairs of Spain and Europe in general. The further away and more isolated Britain is, the better!

Finally, Camilla Long, I am very rich, I am very posh, but I object to being called the barmy candidate! That is of course the title to apply to Nick Clegg. (Though you are spot on to say that Keynsham is a “a typically poky drag of pound shops and pet stores”. I hate it there, not least the people.