Archive for May, 2010
No, Minister?
Though I obviously never touch lefty rags like the Guardian, I was on this occasion alerted to a rather useful wall-chart that explains who is who in the government.
Now, no matter how many times I look, I cannot for the life of me find my name ANYWHERE! If you do see it, make sure you tell me, I would hate to turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Again I say it is just baffling that I was not offered a position. Why on earth would they not select me as a shining example of the Tories? It must be all those silly liberals getting in the way of government already.
In fact, that can be the first job for all the young, ambitious and enthusiastic Tories who have been emailing in their Curriculum Vitae in the dozens, in the hopes of making my tea for the next 5 years. The position is, of course, filled, by my nanny, who has been making tea for about 40 years. However, if anybody can spend the time explaining how the photocopier works, nay, just doing my photocopying, it would be most useful. Young Tories will have enough money not to require a salary, which will make my expenses look much lower.
YES YOU DID!
Just as I was becoming impatient, I heard the news that David Cameron is now the Prime Minister!
I was rather concerned for a while that the rest of the Tory Party was not pulling its weight, considering my resounding electoral victory.
In any case, the Tories are back in power! It is lamentable that we were not popular enough to win the race ourselves and secure a majority, but we are in now and that is all that matters.
A big “Thank You” is owed to the Liberal Democrats, without whom none of this would have been possible. You voted Clegg, but you got Cameron, which is what you wanted all along.
Chancellor George Osborne.
Foreign Secretary William Hague.
You did that.
I shall be waiting by the phone intently tomorrow. I wonder which ministry I will get!
FINALLY!
At long long last, the Tories are to be returned to power!
Moreover, after 5 attempts, I am finally the Member of Parliament for somewhere or other.
So, readers, look forward to the continued adventures of Jacob Rees-Mogg … MP!
The Final Countdown
I apologise profusely for neglecting the blogg over the past week or so. I had meant to get writing, but other events just took me by surprise!
We had the leader’s debate, we had Gordon Brown’s “Bigoted Woman” gaffe. I have never been caught by a stray microphone myself, but I have been involved in many similar slip-ups despite being fully aware of audio and video devices. You all remember the time when I called everyone who did not go to Oxbridge a potted plant who would be in government to fill up quotas.
It has been a very long campaign, almost three years, really. I say to you all though, that we’ve done it. In just a few hours time I will finally realise my project to become an Member of Parliament after trying so hard, so many times, in so many places.
So, in the final moments of the campaign, before you cast your vote:
Look around this site and think carefully.
Take a look at the newspaper articles written about me. [HERE]
Take a look at my media appearances on television and radio. [HERE]
Take a look at all the things I have said over the years. [HERE]
Take a look at my newspaper profiles from 2000 and 2010 [HERE and HERE]
Then before you cast your vote tomorrow, think carefully:
Do you really want Jacob Rees-Mogg as your representative?
Finally, I also wish to thank all the people who emailed me over the campaign, with their questions. I am sorry to say I only just read them; some of them were encouraging, some of them gave me “constructive criticism”. I will not be able to reply due to campaigning (I am doing it all myself after all) but I would advise them to scroll down to the bottom of this website…