No, Minister?

Though I obviously never touch lefty rags like the Guardian, I was on this occasion alerted to a rather useful wall-chart that explains who is who in the government.

David Cameron’s cabinet

Now, no matter how many times I look, I cannot for the life of me find my name ANYWHERE! If you do see it, make sure you tell me, I would hate to turn up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Again I say it is just baffling that I was not offered a position. Why on earth would they not select me as a shining example of the Tories? It must be all those silly liberals getting in the way of government already.

In fact, that can be the first job for all the young, ambitious and enthusiastic Tories who have been emailing in their Curriculum Vitae in the dozens, in the hopes of making my tea for the next 5 years. The position is, of course, filled, by my nanny, who has been making tea for about 40 years. However, if anybody can spend the time explaining how the photocopier works, nay, just doing my photocopying, it would be most useful. Young Tories will have enough money not to require a salary, which will make my expenses look much lower.

The First Debate!

This title has a double meaning.

When it comes to the Leaders’ Debate, I must admit I did not watch it in its entirety.

Instead, I played Monopoly with the family. Normally I would have preferred to polish up the chess set, because at least I win that game (however narrowly) but when it comes to Monopoly I’m just absolutely hopeless. My opponents just get bored that I feel the need to explain to them how realistic or unrealistic the rules or their decisions are.

Still, whatever the outcome of the debates, I am sure Mr Cameron won. It would have been impossible for him to lose. I saw the first few minutes where they talked about immigration and was more then delighted that Mr Cameron suggested a cap, and then pull up the drawbridge.

However, next to the dubious ex-Prime Minister and the glorious Mr Cameron, I cannot help but notice another bizarre figure standing next to them. I just do not understand why ITV would let their work experience boy onto the camera during such an important broadcast. I suppose it must be something to do with Gordon Brown’s silly apprenticeship scheme or part of some nonsense “fairness” agenda.

On the subject of debates though, I’ll be on the BBC’s Politics show very soon! I hope you tune in to hear my eloquent articulations.

Cameron takes a look at the Book of Mogg

A most pleasant afternoon to you.

I have just heard of this volcano malarky occuring in Iceland (I shall not comment upon this, as my section in the gaffe-department of the library is presumably rather full). However, I will express my concern that it might hinder the Conservative campaign. Half the shadow cabinet have been jetting all over the country, so I worry that the wings of David Cameron’s private jet have been severely clipped.

Speaking of David Cameron, which I’m not really supposed to do because he gets a frightfully upset, I have also been informed that he has declined to present himself for an interview with Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight.

Regular readers will be more than informed of my incredibly popular and well-received interview on the same television program, but Mr Cameron has declined to take such an excellent opportunity.

Indeed, rumours have been circulating that Mr Cameron has behaved in a rather awkward fashion when it comes to the leaders’ debates.

On one hand, I do not see what it is that he is so worried about. He is an excellent media performer, just like yours truly. The press pays attention to him, just like yours truly. Expectations of him are high, just like yours truly. It is entirely evident even a potted plant watching that Mr Cameron will run rings around his feeble opponents. He is the ultimate salesman, whether you know what he intends to sell you or not!

Anyway, I’m getting off message. What I mean to say is that it is precisely because he is so good at this sort of PR event, he no longer needs it.

In any case, he has nothing to gain from such an appearance. His reputation is so good that if either of the other two come out of it still breathing, the media will classify the event as his failure; totally unfair as I am certain you agree.  On the other hand, Mr Cameron is on course for a majority Tory government.

Mr Cameron needs neither Paxman nor these debates. All he need do is be patient, be quiet, and wait for his majority.

Somewhat like the situation of yours truly. Perhaps Mr Cameron and I have more in common than our schooling and politics!

Tags: interviews, Jeremy Paxman, Leaders Debates, media, Mr Cameron

They think it’s all over… it is now!

What better way to start off the campaign than with a sporting catchphrase! Granted it comes from 1966, when ghastly lefty Harold Wilson won a massive majority. I assure you the outcome will be rather different this time!

I was rather busy yesterday in the City, but my office staff managed to crank out a short press release to act as a starting whistle. I will not attempt to tread on their toes, so instead I shall just tantalise you a smidgen: (I got in trouble for jumping the gun and breaking the embargo last time! It’s funny how my blogg is more effective at getting out the news than the official North-East Somerset Tory site)

“Jacob Rees – Mogg was selected as candidate for the newly formed constituency of North East Somerset, (formerly Wansdyke), in 2007 thus fulfilling his ambition to represent the Somerset parliamentary seat in which his family has lived for generations.”

This sets the tone for my campaign very well, in that there will not be much of a campaign. I have written here previously about the lack of activists, my media-ban (which I hope to break, though Conservative Head Office have been on the phones already!) and other problems we face, but none of this matters any more as this election is already in the bag!

David Cameron kicked off the campaign (more football phrases to appeal to local types) in London. I signalled my availability, but a party official told me that we were to be gathering in Kensington Gardens. Imagine my surprise as I arrived and had nobody to canvass but the ducks, who were so hostile they must have been Labour fowls. The official must have been mistaken, they would never have sent me to the wrong place deliberately.

Cameron is hiring a private plane to jet him around the country during the campaign. I have no idea why he needs another one, but it would have been better to clone him as he is apparently the Tory Party’s only asset.

See you in May!

Tags: david cameron, general election

Response to the Budget

My most sincere apologies for letting this blogg go unattended for such a prolonged period of time. I made a rare trip to the constituency in Somerset this week; not to do any campaigning (I am not allowed to speak to ordinary people as it tends to upset them) but instead to stock up on cider before the Chancellor hiked up the price. Of course, I would never consume cider myself, but it serves as a decent pay-off for the gardener. After he has finished the lawn, not before!

This brings us on the the budget. You will undoubtedly be surprised to hear that in fact, I was rather pleased with what the Chancellor said.

Fellow Tories posing as the Labour elite.  Most ingenious pretending to play for the other team!

You must now be asking why on earth would the most Tory candidate of all Tory candidates approve of a ghastly Lefty Labour budget. Naturally, the egregious Darling was still putting off the inevitable, avoiding making the cuts we so desperately need.

Therein lies my contentment. Labour has shirked from its responsibility to slash spending and services which means it will, as always, be left to the incoming Tory Government. Imagine how delighted I am to know it will also herald my first entry into Parliament! I can assure personally that Tory cuts will be much more severe and ruthless than Labour would ever dream of.

Labour need to learn that running the economy has nothing to do with providing services and encouraging debt, the budget is a tool with which we roll back the state, cut taxes and most importantly of all reduce debt immediately.

Lefties never learn.

Tags: budget, Darling, deficit, economy, recession, services