A plague on shoddy journalism!

Hello all. I still have not yet been allowed out in public but I have been leafing through the Conservative Manifesto (or should I just say conservative with a small ‘c’?).

When it came through my door I actually believed it was a genuine invitation to join the government of Britain. Well done to Mr Cameron, I thought, he’s already got his cabinet ready for our inevitable return to power, and I am firmly on the bandwagon!

Anyway, I would just like to calm a reader’s fears; he sent a link to The Man Who Does The Typing , who alerted me to this sentence:

Perhaps this saying was echoing in the minds of Dominic Johnson, Edward Robertson and former Conservative politician Jacob Rees-Mogg when they left Asian and emerging markets specialist Lloyd George Management – named after founder Robert Lloyd George, great-grandson of the former prime minister – in April 2007 to set up their own business.

I know what you are thinking, “Oh no! Former Conservative politician?! Say it is not so, Jacob, say it is not so!” (That is you saying that). Well, readers, fear not, I am sure it is just a mistake.

Far from being a former Conservative politician, I am more of a former, future and thoroughly present Conservative politician!

Do not forget, this is my third General Election as a candidate, I was in Fife (1997), then in Shropshire (2001), now I am in North East Somerset. Third time is indeed the charm!

So, I am sure the article was just alluding to my several previous candidacies and selection battles. I haven’t been giving the old heave-ho yet!

Another donation plea

What ho all. Day seven in my undisclosed bunker location and I am beginning to feel a little jaded.

Oh, and I hate to have to do this, but I need to ask you for another donation!

Believe me when I say I do not like asking for money, for it is (obviously) something to which I am wholly unaccustomed. Unlike saying sorry, I am a dab-hand at that considering however many voters I have upset.  Not to mention the instances too numerous to name whereupon I have been hauled over the coals in Cameron’s Central Conservative Party (CCCP) Headquarters, though fortunately it is not too far from where I live in London. Although I must admit they tend to lock the doors as they see my Bently pass by.

In any case, back to my donation request. Last week I sent out a plea and explained the problem we have with a lack of people willing and able to help the campaign, although since I have already won (if I stay out of the way long enough) I am not entirely flapped.

However, we have had to move the goalposts somewhat.

Last week I spoke of a target of £12,000. You shall see that from today we have had to be rather more modest in our ambitions. The target is now a meagre £500. I am happy to report thus that we are already 30% there! Granted that was the £150 I put in myself, and understood that it was already there, on my My Conservatives home page.

Oh jolly good, hold on a moment. The Man Who Does My Typing says I can insert a gadgetmobob here. Let us see:

Did it work? I do hope so!

Moving on to other business: That dratted press is chasing me again! From the Sunday Times no less, my chum Murdoch runs half the British Media and still poor Jacob gets no break. No rest for the wicked as they say; wicked means good nowadays, does it not?

You may possibly remember this photograph from The Telegraph, I thought it was appropriate to show me “out and about” with my office manager.

Back to the Times, yesterday they went with a large story on yours truly, entitled “Maybe he’s canvassing in the King of Spain’s Private Loo.”

Naturally this is an incredibly erroneous statement. First, I am NOT permitted to do ANY canvassing at all. Second, much as I enjoy the company of royalty, I am wholly uninterested in the affairs of Spain and Europe in general. The further away and more isolated Britain is, the better!

Finally, Camilla Long, I am very rich, I am very posh, but I object to being called the barmy candidate! That is of course the title to apply to Nick Clegg. (Though you are spot on to say that Keynsham is a “a typically poky drag of pound shops and pet stores”. I hate it there, not least the people.

Get off my lawn!

The press have been camped out on my doorstep in Somerset trying to catche a glimpse of yours truly. (Joke’s on them!)

One reporter has had to be thrown off my land for trespassing and trying to get an interview, from the Sunday Times I think. It is rather annoying because my father, Lord William Rees-Mogg used to be the editor. I would expect them to show more sympathy.

I am absolutely fed up of these ghastly journalists who think they have a god-given right to be spoken to. I am not available for comment! I have already explained here that this is the only way I shall communicate, partly because Conservative Office have explicitly forbidden me from making or doing anything.

As if this were not enough, the internet has now learned of my curfew, notably Sally Bercow, the Speaker’s Wife (and all around lefty traitor) and journalist Camilla Long has been creating a fuss as well.

So, I shall say this one more time: All I am supposed to do is sit quietly, VERY quietly, and wait to be elected!

Tags: general election, photo ops

Please donate to my campaign

I am hesitant as to whether writing on one’s blogg is necessarily proper in terms of internet etiquette, but I suppose the circumstances today are extenuating.

It is deplorable that my début article after yesterday’s brief introductory piece should be on such an uncomfortable topic, yet I can safely predict that this blogg will aid me to broadcast my rebuttal without the press printing what I say ad verbatim.

Nonetheless, I’m rather miffed at the latest harassment directed against myself in the recent edition of Private Eye. A scan is enclosed thus:

Notwithstanding the actuality that everything the commentary is factual (excluding the point about Deirdre Horstmann; our local Conservative chairman would never touch an onion, that is a job for her cook) allow me to explain the main thrust of the article.

I the strictest terms, I did indeed send a letter asking for contributions to my campaign fund so that it would enable us to reach the £12,000 benchmark, which at present is still far into the distance. To date, we only have £150.

The reason for this is simply that it is awfully difficult to dispatch members to deliver leaflets in such a semi-rural constituency (I am more accustomed to the suburbs near Hyde Park, myself). For a start, we have a dwindling number of members who wish to participate in my campaign, and those Conservatives who do remain loyal tend to be of an elderly and somewhat “eccentric” disposition, rendering campaigning rather difficult.

As a result, we have to hire delivery professionals, who are unfathomably expensive considering the manual nature of their toil. I thought those ghastly Labour fools had introduced the Minimum Wage precisely to avoid this happening! The problem is that although Lord Ashcroft has kindly donated money to my campaign and provided us with some snazzy new leaflets; we need to create a reserve fund now that the owner of the Conservative party has encountered a spot of bother regarding his non-domicile tax registration.

Though £12,000 is indeed the amount of W H Smith vouchers I give my Nanny for Christmas every year (so she cannot spend it on spirits and such), you must understand that I have had to finance two of my campaigns in Fife and in Shropshire, as well as two other selection processes, in Surrey and Kensington, the lobbying of which requires trips to restaurants, ancient wines and so on. All of this adds up over time!

I hope the matter is now resolved,

Fondest regards,

Jacob Rees-Mogg

PS. Private Eye has written so many articles about me, I cannot for the life of me comprehend why they continue to misprint my name as Rees-Smug.

Tags: Campaign Funds, Lord Ashcroft, Private Eye